Post-Partum Depression is Finally Working For me!!

I have a long history of depression and have been pretty open about it to most people. Being in Health Care I feel kind of an obligation to be open about it to possibly be a model for someone else. That way if they were struggling they might come forward because I talk to openly about my struggles.

All through High School, College, Med School and now...that damned depression has followed. Finally though it is paying me back in a big way....after taking so many days of my life, it will give me 180 back.

After having Jordan I got pretty depressed. Of course it didn't help that I was fat as a pig after having him, then turned 30 on top of it! It took a while to recover and return to my baseline. So after having Claire I kind of expected it. Certain family issues compounded the issue, plus going back to work to find my responsibilities ever increasing did not help my mood any. Also Jordan has hit the Tyranical Threes.

I was feeling overwhelmed, completely miserable from one day to the next, and buying wine like crazy. I just wanted to sleep all the time, which is usually my M.O. when I am depressed.

After realizing I was falling into my old habits, I called my doctor (a P.A. who works on the other side of my clinic) to up the dose of my antidepressant (Zoloft). He wasn't available so I spoke to his nurse, who put in the Rx.

Three days later, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was in trouble b/c I had left a bit early the day before, but instead he told me I was getting DEPLOYED!

Six months. Of. My. Life. Gone.

I broke down and started crying on the spot. I asked how they could do this, I just had a baby! I am still breast feeding! I can't go, I wailed!

My boss asked about my health status and if there was any medical reason I couldn't deploy. I told him about my depression and post-partum depression and medical changes....then a miracle happened.

The military has a rule that if you adjust any anti-depressant, you are not deployable for six months! Hooray!

This doesn't mean I will never deploy, but at least it will buy me some more time with my little girl. I can't bear to leave her now. I can't imagine what deploying would do to me, to her, to Joe, to Jordan.

So thank you Depression, finally you are giving something back!

Never say Never

Yesterday as I was pacing around the hospital in full chemical warfare gear, huffing and puffing in my gas mask, I can't believe my life has taken me here.

I remember in high school there were three things I knew I would never do. Number one was get married. Marriage signified the end. Once you were married you were locked in, no more variety, no more fun. A husband would only hold me down, keep me from achieving my goals, and overall make me miserable. Turns out I was wrong on that one. Once I found Joe, I didn't know instantly he was the one. But after he stood by me through some really hard times, I still didn't know. Luckily Joe didn't give up easy and after cancelling our wedding- not once, but twice....we finally did it! I couldn't be happier. Being married hasn't stopped me from achieving anything. Joe has only made my dreams possible. Without him I don't think I would have finished medical school, or residency.

The second thing I was sure I would never do was have children. If getting married locked you down, children were a million times worse. I didn't want to worry about kids and raising them properly. When Joe and I finally got married we agreed- absolutely no children! Then after delivering several babies at work, I started to think more and more about it. Then I think biology took over and then I really wanted them. Fortunately Joe really likes kids and was willing to compromise on the issue. Now that we have Jordan, I can't imagine life without him.

Everyday I look forward to seeing what new tricks Jordan has learned, what new thing he will do, and what he will destroy. The funny thing about it is that I don't even care what he breaks-most of the time!

The third and final thing I would do was join the military. I was sure that this would be an awful decision and I would regret it terribly. And pretty much I was wrong about everything, except this rule. The military does suck completely. I can't wait to get out.