Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The One-Upper, The Corrector, and others

I hate One-Uppers. You know these people and probably can name one right now. These are the people that no matter what you have going on in your life, they have it better, bigger, richer or alternatively they could have it worse, smaller, poorer depending on what situation you are in. For example: I have a headache. The one-upper would chime in that you don't even know a headache until you experience the migraines that they get. Or they may insist that they actually have a brain tumor.

The other person I hate is The Corrector. This is the person that no matter what you say they begin their response with, "Well, not exactly. It's more like this..." Equally frustrating. For example: The sky is blue. The Corrector will respond, "Well, not exactly. I would call it more of a peuce." To that I respond, Screw you.

Joe and I regularly encounter the "Can't get a clue guy". This guy is someone that has no idea that you can't stand him. Somehow after months of avoiding his calls, making vague answers to repeated interrogations about our schedules, and pretty much avoiding him at all costs, still has no idea that we don't want to see him. He comes right up to us and start trying to make plans, "What about tomorrow, are you busy tomorrow, what about the next day, oh, well how about three weeks from Thursday?" Unfortunately since Joe is so nice, and I only have two modes of operation- nice and complete bitch, we avoid telling him the truth. How would the truth even go? Listen, I am sure you are completely wonderful human being, we just don't care and hate you anyways. That wouldn't go over good.

Before you think that we are completely awful people, let me tell you a few things about "Can't get a clue guy". He talks non-stop about cheating on his wife. Not to me of course, but to Joe. He tries to get Joe to check out other women. So that is why we avoid him.

The final person I will rant about is the "I want to talk person". This person finds an unsuspecting victim and then ignores all social clues that that person is not interested in talking and opens up full force. For example: I am sitting down studying when someone approaches. "What are you doing?" the ask.

"Studying." Brief one word answer, highlighter in hand, obviously I can't be bothered.

"Wow, I don't know how you do it. Studying is really hard. Back when I was in school I had a hard time focusing, I just wanted to talk with my friends, and boys...boys were a huge preoccupation. I guess that is how I ended up pregnant and unmarried. As soon as that pee stick had a plus sign, he was long gone..."

"Ummhmmm". Trying not to engage. Avoiding all eye contact. But to no avail, she continues...

"After the 4th fatherless child was born, I decided it was time to nip this thing in the bud. I had all my girly parts ripped out...yup nothing in there anymore.."

"Wow that is wonderful. I gotta get going." Now gathering all my items into my bag.

"Really so soon, we were having such a good time talking."

Seriously, how can you been that oblivious? Didn't she see all the evasive maneuvers I was using? Didn't she see my eyes glaze over as I wished for death? What is wrong with people?

Oh, I found this funny video on youtube while finding the other one. It is totally unrelated, but funny.


Kameron said...

I have one of those talkers at the gym. She is a trainer and I will be running, all out, head phones blaring, beet red in the face and out of breath and she will STILL try to strike up a conversation. Ugh. People are just stupid, I can't stand it!

angela said...

Oh my god, I totally agree, especially when other parents at the playground do it about their kids, like the kids are in some perverse competition. "When did he start walking?" You reply, 12 months. They say, "Oh, well, Katie was walking at 8 months." And so forth. It's awful!

Kathy at The Junk Drawer said...

I used to work with a combination of your last two annoying people. I feel blessed that he retired. I cannot believe I was able to put up with him for so many years without hanging myself. I feel your pain.

Katrina said...

I agree with Angela, the one Upper is a million times worse when children are involved. So much so that I refuse to get into the competition.