Open Letter to All Travelers...

Dear Annoying Traveler,

I know that we are all in rush, but standing so close to me that I can feel your breath on my back does not make the line move any faster. In fact it makes the line move slower because in my own vengeful way, I move slower the harder you push me. Not only does crowding me make me entirely pissed off, it enrages my husband. When my husband is enraged there are consequences. Don't dismiss those evil death looks as benign, if ignored they will escalate. Let's not forget the Splash Mountain Incident where at least 10 unsuspecting crowders were bowled to the ground after Joe violently lurched backwards instead of forward when the line moved.

Like all Americans my body does not end where my skin does. I have at least 18 inches of air space surrounding me. Please respect my allotted airspace.

Now onto the next matter- airline seating. Under no circumstances are you to evacuate your purchased seat, relocate into a vacant seat infront of me holding my sleeping toddler and then have the nerve to invade the three inch cube of personal space the airline has allotted me by reclining your seat. As the paying passenger in the proper seat assigned to me, I feel that I have the right to not have your head lying on my child's head, lying on my lap!

Likewise, when you usurp the seat behind me by the same means do not call the flight attendant to complain that I have my seat reclined and you are cramped. When the flight attendant tells me, very loudly, to move my seat up for the courtesy of the other passenger- while the other idiot is laying in my lap- it really pisses me off.

All of this seating drama causes my husband undue stress. He goes into protection mode trying to preserve our "real estate". He is shoving at reclined seats, yelling at people (in English so I hope no one understands) to move back, muttering angry curse words...I expect him to stand up and start pissing on the borders of our row. By the end of the flight we are all exhausted and want to get off the plane...

But even exiting the plane is a debacle. First an almost entirely comatose cabin springs into action as soon as they hear that "ding". People are everywhere- standing in the aisles, rummaging in the overhead bins, standing in the aisles in an obvious attempt at securing a place in line to get out. Heaven forbid that they would let a family with a small child out...mind you that child is now screaming and really pissed! (By the way, the irritated looks at us while the child is screaming does not help. Don't you think if we could get him to calm down we would? We do not enjoy him making a scene anymore than you enjoy listening to it!) Would it be too much to ask that you let us out? Will the 30 seconds it takes for us to exit the row really delay your entire travel itinerary? I think not.

In conclusion you annoying travelers out there- knock that shit off and have some consideration for other people.